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The National Anthem of the United States is Ruining People's Lives!

The President of the United States tweeted that he would no longer be inviting Steph Curry, an NBA championship winning point guard to dinner on the 23rd of September, 2017.

This less-than-140-character messaged ignited a chain reaction that has spread from Twitter across all media sources leaving journalists begging for absolutely anyone to open their mouths and express their opinions on any and all performances of the National Anthem.

Due to this unsustainable thirst for people's thoughts regarding how somebody should react when another person strolls out onto a skinny red roll of carpet, grabs a microphone, and sings (or in Carlos Santana's case, shreds out) 

A familiar melody that is associated with not only the citizens of an entire Country's sense of pride, but also in this particular performance, a broadcast of an entire stadium's choice of what genre of music to keep on their cellphone.

In a country that is war-torn by everything from religious extremism to racial colour, an unprecedented president is awkwardly fighting against the mere sight of people kneeling while someone sings a song at the beginning of my ball game.

Not only does that completely magnetize his belief that an individual's protest isn't worth as much as whether or not you stop eating your hotdog during the national anthem. But that guy didn't take off his cap during Oh' Canada! and now all of a sudden I want to knock that $11 tall boy right out of his pompous hand, grab his girlfriends tall soda, and pour it along with any sense of personal dignity over his head.

Since it has become such a social topic and everyone seems to be so interested in what people think about etiquette and proper social constructs around the singing of a country's national anthem, I believe it is my undoubtable civil duty to provide the 5 official National Anthem "Do Not's":

1. Do Not as a viewer of any sporting event on TV, change the channel from someone singing the National Anthem. The main reason for not being able to switch channels at any point from the start to the finish of the National Anthem is to ensure that you avoid the incredibly rare, but humiliating situation where you switch from the game to a random channel without knowing the channel, because you cannot 100% ensure that the channel isn't "Playboy" or any other type of adult film channel, or even just a late night tv airing of an R-rated movie where a woman's breasts are fully visible.

If this happens your only options to rectify the situation are dependant on which country's national anthem you have disrespected. If it was the United States of America's national anthem this may mean you feel the sudden craving to eat a slice of apple pie, or perhaps spot an eagle. If the anthem was British or Canadian, you have to eat something that would normally be topped with maple syrup such as a crumpet, pancake, crepe, or waffle. Of course if it was the Australian National Anthem you would do the same thing, just you know, upside down, and twirling in the opposite direction. Hope you've been practising handstands.

2. Do Not hold any one note, say for instance the word "brave" for longer than 4 or 5 seconds. If I can walk to my fridge, open a non-descript alcoholic beverage, scratch my elbow, and tell you the five best Carlos Santana songs to latin dance to before you finish the last note of the word brave, then maybe, you're the one doing the military a dis-service. (Oye Coma Va is at the top of the list although Smooth has that classic rock sound to it and if you can actually get people vibing the guitar, Jingo is probably the best dance track on that album)

3. Do Not get caught mouthing the national anthem. If you are going to sing along thats awesome, encouraged even and feel free to sing softly, but you must admit the feeling is similar to when people are singing "Happy Birthday" when out for dinner. If you're detected staring at the TV and mouthing the words to a song, your natural inclination should be to sign along, and if you mumble over some of the words, this writer thinks you are acting perfectly normal.

4. Do Not talk during the singing of the National Anthem. Ok so speaking of adult publications, on Oct 15th, 2017 the owner of the monthly pornographic magazine "Hustler" offered $10 Million U.S. dollars for any evidence that would implicate Donald Trump enough to cause an impeachment of his term in office. Presumably Hustler is hoping the story they are offering to purchase comes complete with a sex-tape, so they can immediately begin negotiating the rights as soon as physically possible. Either that or they are battling Donald Trump for ownership of the recently deceased Hugh Hefner's namesake property the infamous Playboy Mansion.

5. Do Not Take pictures during the National Anthem. I'm not talking about filming the person singing the national anthem, or filming someone in the audience singing the National Anthem, both of these are acceptable and expected. I'm talking about taking a selfie with the giant 20 person flag in the background. If you are going to do this you have to have tact and precision to do it in the first two seconds of the flag being displayed, before the first note of the anthem, or the exact opposite. Any individual hoping to do so will have to have the instinct to ready your phone and capture a quick pic with the flag in the background during the final two seconds of the home country's Anthem.

Those are my five 100% never allowed absolute Do Not's for the National Anthem. Now if you would like to protest the anthem, kneel during the Anthem, stand, sit, wear your hat, salute, sing, dance, link arms, hold hands, put your arms on someone's shoulders, do so with as much zeal as you would like, be thankful to the people who ensure that you live in a country where that type of protest of free-speach is possible.

I don't associate how you behave during approximate two minutes it takes to stand for the National Anthem with any sort of wealth of who you are as a human being, nor do I believe it has an effect on my opinion of your personal beliefs on race, positive protesting, politics, or belief in the importance or need of the performance of one Country or any Country's National Anthem at whatever current sporting event is occupying the attention of the media-verse and being broadcast on whatever television network that currently occupies my living room in the evening.









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